It was a constant battle trying to figure out what in the world happened in my life to make me so messed up.
I’m a stranger to myself.
I have no clue what made me so miserable that I felt the need to drown my sorrows in a bottle of vodka.
What was I escaping from?
Who am I?
The closest explanation I can associate with my behavior is that people didn’t like me.
I was fat.
I was ugly.
I was unlovable.
All of these reinforced with the hell like scramble of years that I was too damn messed up to remember most of.
I was raped.
I was beaten.
I was ridiculed, broken down and alone.
TODAY for the first time in my life, I understand who I am.
I’m 26 years old and until today I’ve been navigating mindlessly in search of my so called “identity”.
For whatever reason I believed that by figuring out who the hell I was, everything would just suddenly be okay.
I wouldn’t have to pretend anymore.
My life to this point has been somewhat of a facade.
I’ve lived every second of my being striving to be accepted.
I wasn’t just lying to everyone around me, I was trying to fool myself as well.
Indeed, all of these years I’ve been trying to trick myself into believing that I’m actually a cool person.
Even my greatest attempts at being likeable weren’t enough to make me truly love myself.
I couldn’t sell myself.
I’d created a belief that I was worthless and from that point on my belief LITERALLY clouded the lenses on my eyes.
In the greater scheme of things all of these factors were surface level.
Sure, they were enough to justify to some therapist a reason on paper of why I wanted to escape.
But all of that was masking the bigger picture, unknown to me until I decided to rewind and figure out THE ROOT of this huge mess.
People don’t just hate you for the hell of it.
Maybe I wasn’t unlovable.
Maybe one “event” wired my brain into believing I was unlovable.
Think about it; if you have a firm BELIEF then there isn’t a single thing anyone can say or do to change that belief. Period.
I never realized how powerful my own beliefs truly are.
I don’t know if training my brain to love myself was the only dose of medicine I ever really needed.
Is self worth really so vital?
That is can cause a lifetime of hurricanes when absent?
Think about it.
All any of us genuinely have control of is ourselves.
We can’t stop people from hurting us but we can numb the pain of being hurt.
And in this world of billions of people how many of them do you think have been hurt?
We can’t erase the hurt.
Our erratic behaviors are nothing but coping mechanisms…things we can control.
And as we grow we only continue realizing how much of this crazy life is NOT in our control; in turn igniting such behaviors.
As someone who took advantage of a very broad spectrum of the WRONG ways to be in control, I’m writing this for my own clarity.
I know I’m not alone in this search for answers which is why I’d like to share my story.
I’m not your average preacher.
If you feel like you have exhausted all your options and have nowhere else to turn in regards to some aspect of your life, this story might be that saving grace to lead you from the dark.
Nothing is more raw than a lesson from someone who has walked that path, somehow managing to reset into a beautiful life- foreign to its counterpart.