I’ll never forget the day I was first introduced to Nikki.
My best friend Brittany was over recapping the latest obstacles with her eating disorder.
“I will be like, ‘eat breakfast so you have energy for the day’ then Nikki will be like ‘don’t do it you’re fat!'”
Wait rewind a second!
Who is Nikki?!
“Nikki” is the name Brittany uses to address her eating disorder.
Meeting “Nikki” was a pivotal moment in my recovery because it was the first time I ever genuinely understood that my eating disorder isn’t ME.
This post highlights some of the challenges those with eating disorders face, shared through the voice of “Nikki”.
Thanks for your help in creating this Britt❤️
*The following photos are actual photos of myself while active in my eating disorder*
I am the plane.
Nikki is the pilot.
Happily accepting a piece of chocolate with my coworkers one afternoon, I was rudely interrupted by Nikki.
“Well you already screwed up for the day. You might as well just eat whatever you want now”, snickers Nikki.
I am the statue.
Nikki is the sculptor.
Wiping my hands after finishing dinner that evening Nikki’s smooth, conniving voice waits eagerly to greet me.
“YOU ARE FAT! YOU CAN’T BE EATING LIKE THAT WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!” Hisses Nikki, in anticipated delight.
Suddenly in complete panic and clothed with guilt and shame I run to the bathroom to purge.
As the food comes out of my body I am immediately filled with satisfaction.
The rush instantly numbs any pain I’m feeling like a drug.
I am the paper.
Nikki is the pencil.
“You are so huge! Losing weight will make you happier, more desirable, and you will actually feel good about yourself!”, says Nikki.
Her voice echoing in my head repeatedly, consuming me.
I will do whatever I have to do to lose the weight.
I am the TV.
Nikki is the remote.
With Nikki, life revolves around avoiding food while simultaneously thinking about it constantly.
(*Loses 10 pounds*)
“Five more pounds! You are still fat!”, shouts Nikki.
“I am powerless”, says myself.
“You are IN CONTROL of what goes in your body and what comes out of it”, solicits Nikki.
And at times, with the help of this thing called “life”, her offer just seems too good to pass up.
Gazing at my 60 pound heavier “twin” in the mirror, Nikki coating the lenses on my eyes.
The truth is that I believe I am in control but it’s all a lie.
Everything Nikki says is a lie.
“She’s like a manipulative ‘friend’ who tells me that having control over food will bring me peace with everything in life.”
Nikki is that irrational voice in your head telling you that food is control.
Nikki is that itch you can never seem to scratch.
Nikki is someone’s insensitive comment playing over and over in your head like a broken record.
Nikki lives closer than we may think in people of all different shapes and sizes.
Just because someone isn’t a toothpick doesn’t mean they couldn’t have an eating disorder.
Just because someone IS a toothpick doesn’t mean they DO have an eating disorder.
Be sensitive to others in the things you say.
You never know who could be battling a “Nikki”.
If you personally are battling an eating disorder, my advice to you would be to name your Nikki.
Fred? Tom? Regina? Patty?
Choose whatever feels right to YOU!
The important thing is simply establishing your individual identity apart from your eating disorder.
Contrary to what Nikki would like you to believe, remaining “inactive” with your eating disorder is when you possess the most control of all.
Take a second to imagine the freedom of your own mind running without Nikki.
How powerful is the one who says “not today Nikki”?
How much strength does it take to regain control of YOUR OWN MIND by silencing the crap that Nikki feeds it?
That control could be entirely yours if you don’t allow “Nikki” to dictate you anymore.
I KNOW that all of this is easier said than done.
Just because you’ve decided enough is enough doesn’t mean Nikki moves away and you never hear from her anymore.
Nikki is that toxic parent that you stay in contact with because they are your blood.
Work on re-establishing the things that make you, “you”.
If you can’t get rid of Nikki then instead you must learn to work around her.
Rebuild what “achievement” stands for to you.
Nikki is NOT on your side
For me I’ve learned that Nikki won’t stop pestering me until I silence the voice of Nikki with the voice of God.
Below is a current photo of me.
I am alive.
I am strong.
I am in control.
I am beautiful.
And so are YOU!
“Not today Nikki!”
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