“Hi. I was just calling to see if you can tattoo permanent makeup on my face… skin color… to hide my freckles?!?!”
Yes I literally called a tattoo parlor and asked that very question.
Tired of the skin I was born in.
Desperate to change myself.
I used to wear A TON of makeup.
It would take THREE hours of painting my face every morning before being able to walk out the front door.
Never feeling satisfied with the end result.
I don’t know what I was trying to paint…
Just anything other than myself and this terrible face I’d been given.
High school has a weird way of structuring us.
We finish very different people than when we started based off the people and experiences we encounter.
So much time is spent in school.
Time that is crucial in building the foundation of who you are.
If that experience is a negative one, you may find yourself grown and left picking up the pieces.
Graduation was a time of undeniable relief for me.
No longer would I have to walk down those halls and be crucified.
I was free in a world where maybe, just maybe, people would love and accept me.
That freedom did not come without a price tag though.
In the real world,
My lack of self confidence was evident, making me an easy target.
My coping mechanisms were unhealthy, leading me to the wrong people.
When your core beliefs about yourself have been completely damaged how do you move forward?
For the longest time I was literally unable to repeat the words “I am beautiful”.
Even in the comfort of my own mind… I couldn’t think it.
Part of me felt like it was easier being ugly if everyone knew that I knew that I was ugly.
What does that even mean?!
There is this sense of security in hiding behind “being ugly”.
“At least I’m not one of those in denial ugly people…”
Have you ever done that?
When you have been against yourself for so long you eventually lose sight of how you got there.
I couldn’t say, “I am beautiful”, because I was so completely convinced that I was the farthest thing from beautiful and genuinely unworthy of saying otherwise.
I’d forgotten that my “ugliness” was a belief that had formed in response to my negative experiences in school.
It’s so much easier to take what we are being fed and run with it than to stand up and correct ourselves.
Easier to believe the evil words that people throw at you instead of just loving and accepting yourself for who you are.
As soon as you start believing in yourself nothing else matters though.
My “freeing” moment came when I realized that if I am the only person that is on my side, I sure as heck better make sure I’m an advocate for myself.
The quote, “if you can’t beat them, join them” rings so entirely false in this situation.
Joining them is what we always seem to do…but WHY?!
Why step aside and watch yourself rot…?!
I don’t care how “ugly” you are… you don’t deserve to do that to yourself.
We each have a choice on how our story ends.
The fact is that I am me.
This is who I am.
The only way you can move forward with broken self confidence is by joining the same team as yourself.
Love yourself even when you’ve been given every reason not to.
Accept yourself piece by piece- note that accepting is different than liking.
Make a list of what you are instead of what you wish you were.
By saying, “this is my face” instead of “I hate my freckles”, you are accepting the fact that you were given a face and this is what it is.
When you allow negativity to define you, you are giving up on yourself.
Don’t give up on yourself.
At the end of the day, “you” are all you have.
Treat yourself the way you wish other people would treat you. ❤️
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