I have crippling PTSD and in some ways it defines me.
How my husband puts up with me sometimes is beyond me.
At times it feels like everything is a trigger.
My guard is always up, even when it’s down.
One “mispronounced” sentence leaves me emotionally distraught- the situation is suddenly “serious” and I have to protect myself.
Shutting down, completely dissociating, walking away.
It’s certainly not an easy way to live for anyone involved.
What are my triggers?
I don’t even know.
In the middle of a seemingly normal conversation I’m suddenly running away, thinking my entire life is ruined.
TRUST ME I don’t mean to be this way.
Everything inside of me wishes that my mind didn’t dissect every single thing it ever hears.
Talking to me can be a trigger.
NOT talking to me can be a trigger.
My PTSD makes me feel like people are always trying to manipulate me even when I know that they are people I can trust.
I grew up in an environment where I was constantly being manipulated.
Because of this, my brain has this distorted way of looking at people… looking at the world.
I was able to numb these emotions for a long time with drugs and alcohol but now that I’m a responsible adult….
How can I live without making myself crazy?
My husband knows me better than anyone on this planet.
We have our moments as any relationship does, but I know that he always has my best intentions at heart.
Yet no matter how much I am aware of this it doesn’t change the result when I’m triggered.
This unintentional panic rushes through me as effortlessly as blinking.
It’s like I’m on auto-pilot and the broken little girl in me takes over.
Usually I end up literally walking away in an effort to “escape the conflict”.
I feel out of control in those moments.
Torn between my heart and my head.
In the time alone I sit and negatively pick apart my brain.
This never ends well.
PTSD constantly attacks my sanity.
Is my husband going to get sick of me?
Sick of my baggage?!?!
If you are a regular reader of my blog then you are likely aware that I am quite the optimist.
I do what I do in an effort to help people.
When I begin writing an article I almost never have the answers for my conclusion worked out.
Writing has been a process of solving my own problems.
By doing this blog I am slowly healing myself.
This article is a tricky one though.
How do I change the messed up way my brain thinks?
“Children react. Adults respond.”
Said my brother following a heart to heart we had a couple months ago.
I’d asked him how to keep myself from rambling all the time- something that he has perfected.
Anxiety and attention deficit disorder are not a good combination.
My anxiety has me in a heightened state of awareness all the time.
My ADD has me all over the place.
All. The. Time.
I’ll remind myself before going somewhere to stay quiet… to just focus on something and be an observer instead of the annoying person who never shuts their mouth.
It has been years of attempting without success.
Silence is like nails on a chalkboard to me.
I can’t do silence.
Silence is a trigger.
Hence, why I ramble about stupid stuff all the time.
How do I respond when my brain can’t even figure out how to be quiet long enough to listen?
When I think of that quote I can’t help but feel like it may be useful in managing my PTSD.
If I take a moment to respond then I should have a second to remind myself that my husband isn’t a manipulator- before reacting and falling into crisis.
I’m clearly not a good listener.
I think that in this moment God is wanting me to practice what I preach.
To take a deep breath before responding.
To bare silence.
So I will practice, Lord.
I will push myself even in the moments that it’s uncomfortable.
I’ll be aware of myself and my surroundings.
And with God I can overcome this.❤️
Anyone have good remedies for PTSD?!
I’ve made leaps and bounds with this treatment ➡️ The miraculous treatment for anxiety that’s being kept secret
BUT, I feel like I’m stalling out on this manipulation issue.
Every session I completely dissociate and haven’t been able to truly put in the work!
I’d love to hear any tips and as always, would gladly accept any prayers!! ❤️
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You guys are THE BEST!!
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