I know I’m not a bad friend.
Still sometimes my heart and my mind collide.
It had been months of no contact when my daughter’s picture appeared on my ex best friend’s profile picture (read to the friend that isn’t a friend anymore).
My jaw hit the ground.
I had boldly and clearly expressed my wishes in this relationship… what did she want from me?!
A tone that sounds so cold but saying goodbye to that friendship was never easy for me either.
I made one of the bravest protests in my life by saying I wasn’t going to do this one way friendship anymore.
Then I just shut off the feelings completely so that I could learn to live with that choice.
It’s just as hard as choosing to leave the one who keeps cheating on you- not because you want to but because you need to.
I want the friendship back so badly but she isn’t in a stage where she’s going to chose to grow up any time soon.
We all have our limits.
This isn’t my rollercoaster.
But that wasn’t always the case.
You see, part of the freaking problem is that same annoying voice in the back of my head that keeps whispering, “you gave up on your friend… those are not your values.”
This voice sits and interrogates me until I’m blue in the face in conflict with myself.
A voice that’s so beyond false I can’t even believe it yet the power it still holds over me is so much more than I like to admit- even to myself.
This process has been constant battles of reminding myself of who I really am and the lengths I went to trying to save the friendship.
I wanted you back so badly and you still picked the drugs- again and again.
It was TWO YEARS of desperately searching for a way to fix this addiction.
I never compromised my values by refusing to enable her.
She mainly kept her distance and disappeared for long periods of time, leaving my mind to fester.
Boy did I make myself crazy in those two years…
I spent more time trying to fix her self-inflicted situation than I gave to my own family.
As a wife and mom to two young children, I feel like that in itself is why I did all that I possibly could have until it just wasn’t enough.
Instead of comforting my husband after a long day at work, I would obsessively google her name to make sure she hadn’t died yet.
While she was shooting up to numb the chaos she’d created, I was living all of it in full strength and it was freaking terrifying.
I did it because that is the type of friend that I am.
After two years of begging, pleading, making myself crazy, I just couldn’t do it anymore.
I never wanted to lose her as a friend, but our lives have taken two very different paths.
How many friends from grade school have you grown apart from?
More than you can count probably.
As we grow and change the people that mesh well in our lives change also.
It is completely appropriate to grow apart from people- that’s life.
Putting needles in my arm and nodding out in a motel isn’t really my thing and I think that it’s fair for me to acknowledge that.
I would have helped her get clean but she didn’t want the help to do it properly because she doesn’t want to be clean.
Being fed by a household that enables her every need.
Call me insensitive but as a former addict myself, addiction is NOT a disease that makes you incapable of asking for help.
You have to want help and be ready to put in some insanely hard work… you have to OWN everything and everyone you ever wronged while using.
This requires a great deal of not so comfortable self reflecting.
There is nothing easy about looking in the mirror and doing some serious, heavy self reflection.
It’s not an easy process, and yes I would know because I’VE BEEN THERE.
I came to that dead end where I’d had enough of what I’d made of myself and so I changed.
Until an addict makes it to that road, they will keep hiding behind their “disease”- another reason “they’ve been done wrong in this world”.
This ball is in her court and her court only.
I’m genuinely sad that our story had to end this way.
When she stood next to me as a bridesmaid at my wedding, I never could have imagined this is where we’d be in four years.
I hate that I just wasn’t enough to make you want to get clean.
It kills me that I couldn’t be that friend who helped you get through this dark time.
I’m sorry that I couldn’t help you get back to the sweet person I first became friends with.
I genuinely pray that someday this will all make sense to you.
Saying goodbye was insanely hard for me but it was a choice that I stand behind.
No matter how twisted the story gets through the telephone line, I know who I am.
I’m not the person who just dropped their friend when they started using heroin.
I am a die hard believer in a person who is hiding behind drugs and I refuse to put myself through their negligent choices anymore.
I am a girl who loves her friends SO much that I will NOT bite my lip and settle for anything less than what’s best for them.
I will fight for what’s best for her, with or without her, until the day I die. ❣️
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