“Maybe you should just stop doing the blog if you aren’t able to make any income from it. It’s just so negative….ha. You are always talking about about weird stuff. People must think that you’re nuts!”
This blog has been an absolute rollercoaster.
Some days I ride the high of feeling like I’m helping people while in turn freeing myself of my “baggage”.
Other days I feel like an idiot and wonder why I’m wasting all this time for nothing, until it spirals so far out of control that I about quit.
“Should I really post that?”
“How are people going to react to this?”
“Will anyone react to this…?”
The truth is that it would be SO much easier to just go about my life and pretend like all the years of chaos never even happened.
Easier to pretend that I’ve been this “normal” person my whole life…
Easier to bury my skeletons than to go searching for them in attempt to resolve the trauma that they’ve branded me with.
My blog is called Project Identity because I hope to uncover what I feel are “missing pieces” of my identity through the process of this project.
In terms of adversity, I’ve had a very wide range of it.
Mental health, eating disorders, sexual abuse, dysfunctional families…. YOU NAME IT!
By revisiting these traumas, my goal is to sort through my life and figure out who I really am.
This is NOT in any way an attempt to glorify or normalize the things that I’ve done.
Im not sharing my deepest, darkest secrets with YOU to win sympathy or to place blame on others for things that have happened in my life.
My intention IS to help others by saying,
“this is where I was and look where I am now.”
An attempt to find the answers for survival after adversity– answers that I don’t necessarily believe that I have, yet somehow…. I made it.
And the story isn’t over.
People don’t just overcome something and live happily ever after.
With time, the book you just closed will start revealing itself in your next book.
Growing up in a home with a parent who has Borderline Personality Disorder left me running– self medicating with drugs and alcohol.
The consequences that I received for such behavior opened the door for a newfound battle of control with food (read Tell me to eat? I’ll starve myself).
All of the above rooting me in distorted self worth and eventually leading to rape and suicide attempts.
Recovery from both addictions simultaneously greeted me with crippling anxiety and PTSD- symptoms I now have to face head on, without a crutch.
I don’t believe that God dealt me these cards by mistake though.
Because I shouldn’t even be here right now.
The moment my life turned around was also the lowest, darkest place I’ve ever been.
My desire to live was gone, but God had other plans.
Just weeks after multiple failed suicide attempts and hospitalizations, my polar opposite walked into my life and we ended up pregnant.
I wasn’t living for me anymore.
A tiny human who would love me forever was too good of an offer to pass up.
God took the life I couldn’t handle anymore and replaced it with one that I could.
He wanted me here because He knows my heart.
My adversity is God’s opportunity.
His opportunity to change more lives.
This is why I do what I do.
I write about my rawest moments because frankly, life is raw.
The world needs more raw people, too.
Check out my blog Project Identity for more!